I Am Very Bored.

[x_pete_wisdom]

It is Friday afternoon. It is already getting uncomfortably warm in New York for fuck's sake. Anyway: amid all the disaster and explosions and general mayhem of the last, well, forever, I note that Xavier's guidance counsellor has had it away on his toes for a while. I am not surprised. He had that look about him, the last time I saw him.

Anyway, as the sole non-mad guidance counsellor Xavier's has ever had, I thought I'd try and pitch in with some help for all you poor unguided people out there. I am therefore declaring today "Dr Pete Sorts Your Life Out For You" day. Offer open to all staff, ex-staff, alumni and current students of Xavier's Institute For The Very Specially Insane.

Tell me your troubles, or your "friend's" troubles, and I will provide you with solutions that are 100% guaranteed to work, or your money back. Trust me. I am a professional man, with many years experience in solving other people's problems.

Tell me your troubles. Go!

Comments

[x-firestar.livejournal.com]

Dear Dr. Pete:

Why are boys so confusing? I mean, there's so many to pick from until they get old, like 25, and we tend to have some pretty ones around. But sometimes they're confusing and stupid because they're boys - how do I deal with that?

Confused by Boys

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms. by Boys

Have them all shot. Failing that, remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Unless that's venomous snakes I'm thinking of. Either way, don't let them bite you. Unless you're in to that kind of thing, in which case, a lucrative future in highly specialised porn awaits.

(Also: they are as confused by you as you are by them. Frankly, the only solution is to blunder around make several idiot mistakes in your youth, so that by the time you're 30, you have a decent collection of exes to look back over and think thoughts ranging from "why on earth did I...?" to "He/She/It wasn't so bad..." to "I learned an important lesson there - don't do drugs." At that point, you might have picked up some insight. The important thing is to enjoy your life while you're living it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll screw up. You'll do things you wish you hadn't. Don't worry about it. It's not going to magically get easy soon, but as with all things, practice helps.)

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-wallflower-.livejournal.com]

So, say you had this friend. And he or she had decided to take someone's personal problems into their own hands. Only, it didn't work out quite the way they're hoped as said friends were neurotic basketcases. What would be the appropriate response for this friend? (Also, said friend has also had something traumatic just happen and may not be in any particular mood to be sympathetic to anyone, basketcase or not.)

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms. Basketcase Or Not

Taking someone else's personal problems into your own hands is only advisable for highly trained professionals like myself. We are specially trained not to give two shits when we invariably make a hash of it.

We are also specially trained in how to deal with the personal problems of neurotic basketcases, which is to say that because we don't give two shits, we point and laugh at them until they go so annoyed they sort their own fucking lives out, the useless fuckers.

If you are tempted to interfere in the life of a neurotic basketcase, remember that they are a fucking headcase, and their problems are mostly in their mind. Instead of interfering, just slap them a lot. It'll do about as much good, and you'll have gotten important slapping practice out of it. This is an important part of professional training, as it is true that most person problems can be cured by a good hard slap, and a firm instruction to "sort it the fuck out".

Yours,

Dr Pete.

[x-rictor.livejournal.com]

Say you have this friend, who has now been kidnapped a total of 9 times. Since we cannot implant a tracking device for reasons that have been explained to me at great length and eye-gouging detail, what is the best way to keep from going insane the next time he does it? (Besides getting falling down drunk?)

[x-wildchild.livejournal.com]

Eight.

[x-rictor.livejournal.com]

You know, I lose count.

[x-wildchild.livejournal.com]

I asked for a GPS tracker in my ass. They said no.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

surprised forge hasn't made something already. eight times??

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr Gouged-Eye

I'd go with the drunk option, myself. If this is considered inappropriate, then I suggest drugs or underage sex. Anything that will reliably distract for an hour or seven.

The other option is to develop a network of friends and allies who will help find said GPS-free friend, and stamp on the people that kidnapped them.

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-kaminari.livejournal.com]

~Translated from Japanese~

If this is considered inappropriate, then I suggest drugs or underage sex.

Far and away this is the best advice, ever, and I'm fully in favor.

~Translated from Japanese~

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I was going to write this in the third-person vague form but I cannot be bothered.

Is it appropriate to drive to Westchester unannounced and kick my cousin in the shin for violating our truce, or should I call first to let him know I am visiting with the purpose of kicking him in the shin very hard?

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms. Cannot Be Bothered

It is my considered professional opinion that one should never, ever let them know one is coming. Also, never kick people in the shins. Always go for the crotch, or other disabling strike. This is a far more useful instructional tool, as science has proved that they will remember any lessons you should chose to impart while they are doubled over in pain with added clarity.

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-bevatron.livejournal.com]

Dear "Dr. Pete",

What level of retaliation would be appropriate were one to be kicked in the shin, given that the person doing the kicking is in fact being a very large hypocrite?

-Annoyed Cousin

[xp_daytripper]

Dear Dr. Pete,

What's the best way to get crayon and charcoal off painted walls?

Crazy 'Artist' Type.

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms Type,

The simplest solution is to get both a paying job, and a broke teenager. That way, you can pay someone else to do it, and come down the pub.

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

Dear Dr. Pete

Oh, I can't be arsed with the format. Forge is down for a little while and then will have other projects. Can we talk about security and how to upgrade it for the Keep?

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Yes. I should be up at the Institute early next week, or if it won't keep til then, either drop me an email, or stop by the office.

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

Email it is.

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Dear Doctor Pete,

I have this friend who hates to fly coach, but her draconian bosses appear to have assigned her nothing but cattle class. Should she put scorpions in their tea? Y/N?

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms Likes To Live Dangerously,

Consulting your medical file, I find that there was a course of treatment prescribed earlier this week regarding the advisability of involving yourself in contests you cannot possibly win yet. If this course has not had the required impact, I can prescribe another, stronger, course.

Also, checking through some related medical notes, I note that your bosses also fly coach when required, and that if you have a problem with it, you should talk to my colleague Dr Frost, who will be only to happy to change your mind for you.

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-scarletwitch.livejournal.com]

Dear Doctor Pete,

Regardless of if the person in question is making a rude gesture in your direction due to the fact that the person in question was not quite insane when they were humbly doing their duty as guidance counselor...

I digress on this persons behalf. Anyway. This person apparently is torn between working until the late hours of this evening or throwing up her hands, cursing loudly and stomping off to the pub.

What's your advice?

Sincerely,

Thirsty in New York

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms New York,

Mine's a scotch if you're buying.

Yours,

Dr Pete

[x-scarletwitch.livejournal.com]

Dear Dr Pete,

I don't know about you, but I'm already at Finnegans and the scotch is sitting next to my elbow as we speak.

Ms New York

[x-cloudy.livejournal.com]

Dear Dr. Pete-

I really like my job, but lately my boss has been posting pictures of people on the wall and throwing darts at them (I think they're government officials, because he's been swearing a lot in different languages and that's usually means he's dealing with someone in government,) but his aim isn't always so great. How can I politely ask him to knock it off without getting fired or used for target practice myself?

Thank you!

-Miss Pincushion

[x-pete.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms Pincushion,

When dealing with employers, it is generally important to maintain the respectful sanctity of the employer/employee relationship. However, in the case of your specific employer one must always bear in mind that your employer is often about as subtle as a half-brick in a sock, and will often miss polite requests, subtle hints, and in extremis, anything that isn't directly accompanied by some sort of minor violence.

It is also worth bearing in mind that I myself have encountered many examples of the kind of people your employer is dealing with in my professional life, and it is my medical opinion that having darts thrown into pictures of them is the very minimum course of treatment they require.

Rather than asking him to desist, I would suggest a simpler course of moving the pictures to behind the desk of someone who deserves to have to dodge the odd misfiled dart, and given the number of people who work for your employer, I don't imagine it would be impossible to find a good candidate, like say, Mr Allerdyce.

Yours,

Dr Pete